Aftermath

What to say? Nobody wants to end up on the wrong end of someone’s highlight video. It sucks. In fact, there’s a moment – you’re coming round, trying to work out where the hell you are and how you got there, and why some guy is stood over you asking you random questions about who the president is and what state you’re in - and in that moment, you wish you hadn’t woken up at all, because now you have to face the rest of the world and deal with what’s just happened. Which of course you can’t actually remember, but from where you are right now, it ain’t looking good.

After a loss like that, all I really felt like doing was hiding in a corner somewhere for the next few months, taking a lot of painkillers, and not speaking to anyone. I guess I was expecting either pity (which I didn’t want) and/or people concluding I’m a terrible fighter, and so by logical extension, a worthless human being. Or so it felt. Bear in mind I was emotional and a fair bit concussed. Showing up at the press conference afterwards was possibly the hardest thing anyone’s asked me to do as a fighter. But I’m glad I did. I guess what I didn’t anticipate was the most common reaction - fighters, coaches, production team, and everyone else who just said “hey, you made a mistake. It can happen to anyone, that’s just how this sport is. We still think you’re a good fighter. You’ll be back.”

Paul McVeigh did a fantastic job of cornering me and looking after me before and after the fight. He helped me get it all in perspective – “nobody who matters is going to see you any differently because of this. If they do, it just tells you they’re a terrible person”. I might be paraphrasing, but he has a way of putting things. If anything, the support I’ve had over the last 48 hours or so has made me realize how many people do actually give a damn. Which means a lot right now.

Thursday night and Friday were pretty rough, especially the time I had to myself before and during the flight to dwell on things. In between feeling sick and not being able to read or watch videos because the world’s still swimming, that leaves a lot of time to think. But after a day back home with people I care about, I’m starting to feel like it’s not quite the end of the world.

Bellator have been great – although it looks like the medical suspension’s going to keep me out of the tournament this autumn, they’re committed to building the 115 division in the long term, and I’ll be back. I’ll get my shot at redemption. I know I’m a far better fighter than I showed on Thursday, so as soon as I can I’m going to get back in the gym, polish some of the raw edges and make my game mistake-proof. I know what I need to do, and I’m looking forward to the training.

Right now, though, I’m going to take some time out to spend with my son, my boyfriend and my friends. The last few months have been mad – between studying for exams, driving up and down the M6 and training for this fight I’ve not had time for much else, and that’s going to change now. If nothing else, one thing I’ve realized over the last few days is what really matters. Off to the park tomorrow